Well here again. 

Been a good while since I have kept up with this.

No excuses I do know. Just that for the last few months I really bottomed down into a really bad depression. When I hit that stage the only thing that I am capable of is just surviving a day at a time. The difference about regular depression and bipolar depression, is the fact that it is so more much more pronounced than the other, everything is so much over the top than normal. The down swing is so much a drop that you just want to try and stop it. Even if you tried it is beyond your control sometimes. Even though you are aware of it. It does not help you cannot seem to break the cycle. It can be caused by the most simplest thing. You have trouble holding on to thoughts among other things.

Sometimes the living alone is not so good as I have no interactions and no one that sees it happening. My family (brother and sister in law) does not know how to handle it. They do not understand the ramifications of it. I feel like the walls are closing in on me. For me I am always sitting down with handwork to do. Although through this time I do not seem to even have the will to do anything but sit there. I don’t want to cope with life and I know that really sounds bad but it is a fact during that time. I have interaction with the parrots. But they are not people although they do some grounding of me.

The only people here that I have contact with is family and extended family through marriage. Or the landlord. This is a very small town. Everybody gossips about people and I really do not want them to be gossiping about me or what I said or done. In that way I have always been that way.

Sometimes I wonder when I did become that way? Is it a link back to all of my relationships and marriages. Is it because I was always different? Or is it the way I was raised? I will never know the answer to that, I just know that it is

.

When my best friend, even though lost contact with for a few years, her mom is in really bad health and way up there in age passes. She will be moving up here with me. I am looking forward to it and so is she. She is also bipolar and we have always gotten along, through dating, husbands, bad marriages. When we have differences we never stay mad at each other, it blows over and through and gone in a few minutes. We have always had each others backs and we are alike in a lot of ways. We are both loud, opinionated. We both state the obvious and we do not beat around the bush. So it is going to be a good thing for us. We are never ­­­EVER getting married again. We neither of us has had a great relationship with men, we both pick the wrong type of men. And frankly I can speak for myself I am totally done with it. If I knew what I know now I do not think I would ever get married at all. That is not saying that I regret my children because I don’t I regret the marriages that I made bad choices with. 4 times to be exact. Sorry I know when to stop and hang up the hat and spurs so to speak.