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Another day with getting up with a migraine. I hate having nightmares...and not being able to shake them off to wake up. These episodes is what triggers the migraines because they follow the next day. Doesn't help that on nights I don't have them then I have very light broken sleep and not restful either.
And Tigger Tom driving me crazy. One of the outside cats (not mine) keeps hanging around the door. But won't come in. so I am feeding her just her. But I am guessing it is because her and Tigger were hanging together and played together. I am at a loss what to do. She is still a kitten around 6 months old this coming month.
It amazes me that I will have been here for a year. Wow all I can say is that it flew past so quickly...the older I get the quicker it seems to go. Like yesterday feels like we have not been through Christmas that long. I like it here it is so peaceful and quiet. I love the quiet...no city sounds at all. I do not have to worry if I leave the windows open at night or that I can go to bed and not even lock the door (which would not do anyway). I like the feel of a slower pace and it is not rush rush here and there. I can go at my own pace. And that is why I like the face that I live alone. Things would change if you are with someone. And I really do not see that happening. One getting up there in age and people are looking for someone younger...
Anyway not looking for someone. I am trying to get a divorce from the one I am unfortunately married to. And the fact this is the first time in all my years with the exception of about a year not married since I was 19 yrs old.I always thought that I had to be married in order to get along with live. That thought had led me down the wrong path. Of choosing someone who was unsuitable for me. This time I can just be me and get to really know myself. Weird huh? At the age of 54 talking about getting to know myself?
Does anyone kiss their pets? or to embarrassed to say so? I do give kisses to my parrots on the beaks. Some of even gently kiss me back. Tigger is a very affectionate cat. He loves to snuggle and give lots of head rubs and then kisses me. I have always done this no matter what animal I have had. (inside that is).
I am strange I guess. My brother's cat Spooky does not seek attention like my cat does. But I am amazed that she will sleep on her back for hours at a time. I would rather have an affectionate one and a romp cat playing with his toys or toys the birds throw down to the floor.He will run and slide on my floor and it is so darn funny. Got to love animals they make life worth living with. the are their own person (acts like) and so unique in their own way.
Laters all
Becca 
I live my life with bipolar 1 w/ psychosis. If you do not want to read any further then that is fine. I will be speaking frankly about what it is and what it does to me and how I try to manage life with it.
The hardest thing for me is to write about my being bipolar. Some of you will think "oh she is looking for sympathy". But I really am not. This blog is for me to write about my life and the happenings of it. Dealing with the jumbled up thoughts inside of my head. I have to sift through them every day just to be able to get through it sometimes. It is not easy dealing with it. And some days it gets the upper hand on me. There are days that I don't cope with it so well and those are the bad days for me.
About 5-6 yrs ago I have had the misfortune of dealing with the added add on to my bipolar 1 in which resulted in this being added with it. bipolar disorder 1 with psychosis.
the part of it that drives me bat shit crazy is the hearing things that others don't.
The most common hallucinations are auditory, where a patient hears voices or sounds that do not really exist. Visual hallucinations (seeing images that aren't there) are the next most common type.
For example one of them being: the fact that i was woken up with what sounded like a party in the living room....i went downstairs to see what was going on and it was coming from the living room. so i went outside to see if it was coming from a neighbors house and it was not. so i went back in and it was still there...i woke my husband up and asked him if he heard anything and his answer was no. so i knew it was me!
I have a break through with it once in a while. And when I do I truly hate it. It is truly hard for me. To this extent I am so glad I live alone. I do not have to deal with someone throwing it in my face that I have a mental disorder therefore "I can treat you any way I want to as you are crazy".or "you are less a human for being defective". Yep heard these among countless others that left me being beat down and feeling like I was worthless by the one person that should have been supportive of me but was not. I spent to long in a abusive relationship way to long.
You do not wake up one day and say "today I will be bipolar". Nope that is not what happens at all. According to my dr I was misdiagnosed with being depressive and was given meds for it. Which in turn made it worse because I played their game of medical musical chairs but with meds rather that music. The most painful of things is the fact that I tried to kill myself 3 times. OH Yeah the medications they were trying on me made it much worse than it should have been. One of the key factors is that some families are at more risk than others. The family history is important. No one was really listening to what I was telling them. And finally I found a doctor that truly listened to what I was saying. And believe me she saw before her a true basket case of a person. One of the key factors that should have tipped off the other doctors was the fact that my father had electric shock therapy when I was 4 yrs old this was in 1962-1963. This was the standard treatment back then for it. Also the added fact that my mother dealt with depression really bad. Also added fact that my biological half brother from my father was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Then add the fact that my daughter was also being treated for mental illness. And on her father's side mental illness ran rampant through it.Poor baby got it all from both sides of the family.
it is really hard for someone to grasp and understand what makes it tick. Even I don't and I live in it all the time. The loss of days, time and the mislaid things that I think I will be sure to look at if lost something. Walking from room to the next to get something and looking puzzled because don't remember what I was going after. Or the stopping in mid sentence because what I was saying just escaped me. Sometimes I run around as if my head was not there looking for what I mislaid. This goes along way with making me feel stupid and that is really not the case. I am intelligent and gifted with creativity that I know that is not the case but it does not stop me from feeling it though.
If a person has not experienced a person in this situation of dealing with it. Then they have no comprehension of what it does to a person. Let me tell you it is not a bit pretty either. There are days I just want to curl up in a ball and let the world pass me by. There are days that I am productive and go on a spree of cleaning or what I call spring cleaning. You know the phase I am talking about because some of you have that euphoric feeling without having mental issues. There are days I have to deal with just trying to grab a thought out of the swirling ones in my head and hang on for dear life.
The best part of living alone and not dealing with the stress of a bad marriage or relationship has benefited my health. I live in a small rural town(if you can call it that) and the life of the area is a slow pace here. For all of you who know the degree of pain that I have suffered with my face for many a year will be happy for me.
The doctor added a new medication to my mix. and omg it works like a charm. The tmj had got so bad and she decided to try me on mobic for it. and miracles never cease! It worked, along with not dealing with stress of a bad relationship the nerves in my face have settled down. I can honestly say that for the first time in my life since my early 20's I am almost totally pain free. It is like a huge break through for me. I can not tell you how that in itself has changed my life. Really changed my life as I am able to look around and be part of it as much as I can which I never did before.
Enough said....laundry does not do itself...lol wish it did!
laters
Well it has been little while since I wrote here. It has turned out to be a pretty day here. The wind blowing nd curtains swaying. Cool enough to open my windows today. Tigger is sprawed on the sofa and Sacha is on his recliner. He has been talking and making his sounds.
I have been battling a bad case of depression for about 3 months now. It has really been a hard one to deal with. Plus it seems that all the way through it I was fighting a migraine off and on all through it. Don't ask because I do not know what triggered it.
I have engery at all. Trouble staying awake is most unsettling. And now having issues with one part of the bipolar. I have to talk with my dr about it. It is so bad I slept for 12 hours straight. Most days I am having to take a nap. I really got to pull the weight off. It is very difficult for me to stand on my feet and legs. Which means I have got to get it off.
We finally got the wedding preparations done...6 weeks of it. And we pulled it beautifully. Was a nice wedding on Saturady, September 22, 2012. I really have a good sister in law this time...I am so happy for them. They have been together for 5 yrs. So it was time. She is so good to him and she loves him totally with all her heart...
I guess this is it. My mind is a total blank--am I the only one with this problem?
Spent a really good evening with family. It was Lauren's 20th birthday. lol put a bunch of girls in a room together and what discussions come......blush blush......just glad brother was in bed already.
Went to the dr today... 3 times of week is not going to work. That is maintaining weight not enough for me to burn calories. So just what I thought I was going to have to be more agressive is just that. She said that I need to go everyday in order to lose the weight.
I am watching portion control along with the the workout. So we will see.... how it helps to step it up. Hopefully it will have results. I got a mp3 player as I will be going some of it alone. I have made the decision that I will be getting up around 6 am (unthinkable time for me) and take care of the parrots then head out to the gym for my work out.
This so sad.....I have started to take estroven for hot flashes and nite sweats. darn doctor was right that I ran the risk of going through it a second time.....the first time was no piece of cake and this one is as bad if not worse than the first time around.
Bad weather with the rains and all and my migraines have kicked up on me. Hoping that it will get better as weather gets better. I can always pray.
You know that you would think that Wal-mart all over would carry the same basic thing no matter where you are. I can tell you that is not so. I was use to get a product by Johnson and Johnson that is the Melt Away Stress Body Lotion. They do not carry it here. I sure miss it. Oh well. life goes on right? More serious issues than lotion to worry about. Go figure that moving to small towns leaves some things to be desired.
lol I am having a really hard time adjusting to driving on 2 way roads. you do not find many of them still around but here that is most of what you are traveling. and oh so confusing. With the multiple lanes you have white lines dividing them and yellow on the outsides. well here it is the opposite.....so easy to confuse me!!!!
Off to bed nite all
