The end of 2012 and the dawing of 2013.

So here it is the end of another year. 2011 and 2012 have been 2 hard years, lots of sorrow, healing and re-evaluating my life. It has brought a lot of changes for me personally. 

We are coming up on a new year and I know what it more or less holds for me. A divorce and weight loss is the new goal for 2013, both are attainable and therefore good choices for me. 

The weather here is steadily getting worse. I am afraid we will have lots of snow this winter. Last winter was hardly anything to it. When that happens I will be doing very little driving on it. Which means lots of handwork for me. Although as soon as I have Laurens quilt off the machine, that leaves me working on the 2 crazy quilt throws for a friend. And that is a lot of handwork doing embellishments on them. So that too is good will keep me busy. 

The one thing that I have had to learn is to wear clothing. lol not that I didn't before. But it was shorts, tshirts and flip flops year round for me. Now it is socks, jeans and long sleeve shirts, also shoes!!!!!! Very hard to break a lifetime habit but I will survive it. 

Taking a break from marking and pinning the throw for Lauren. i really hope she likes it, the borders are bears and stars. I think the stars are going to be a variegated purple quilting thread so it shows up on the the black border. Yes I am pushing the days to xmas for it to be done.....but then when have I not pushed a deadline date. ????  Seems it is always like that for me. I guess if I know I have a date then I work under pressure for it to be done. 

Xmas presents shipped to the grandkids and hope that they like them. 
Coffee break over back to the quilt 

3 days to go

3 days to blast off. alot to do. To get ready for it. Laying here in bed up before alarm goes off Planning what has to be done yet. Clothes to pack,laundry put away,sewing area to straighten up. get things ready for the parrots to be ready for lauren. Better get my body up and moving! Later all.

TGIF yeah

 What can I say?


Not a lot that is. Other than I am so stressed out right now can not think straight. So bad that I am picking at my skin--face, neck. And having the auditory hallucinations that come with my bipolar 1 with pyschois.  I hate it when it acts up. I have issues sleeping as I can not get calm enough to rest very good. I hear music complete with words or people arguing, not voices telling me to do things to myself or anyone else. It drives me crazy.....I lose days, sometimes time also. I have issues of being able to hold on to a thought as I can not seem to be able to grab it out of all that is going on in my head. 
I forget things, hide things I think I will remember where they are. 

Because of the stress it has caused minor issues with my bipolar. At least the second half of the diagnosis is the psychosis. When I am having it whether I am manic or bipolar depression. I have auditory sounds. Anything from music to chatter. It is difficult to deal with and I get a lack of sleep because of it. My mp3 player does not have a long enough charge on it to last for hours so that I can drown them or it out. This is not something that I usually say anything about because people look at you and they see a crazy person because of it. I AM NOT CRAZY I PROMISE YOU THAT!!!!

But have to honest to myself and admit it to myself that this phase is going on….  Because there is no one else that can point it out to you.

I am so lucky with my problems with it I am not one to do the excessive spending of money like some do. That seems to have passed me over. Thank God. I hate to shop so maybe that is what helped me to not to have it. I do not write checks. I use my debit/check card and then I know what has been spent and where it goes.

Flying out Tuesday afternoon going to Florida to take care of the business of closing out the estate of my father. About time as it has now been 2 years now. So going down and doing it and placing it up for sale. One I will never go back to Florida to live nor would I like at it. Even though he was my father we did not get along very well at all. Never did. Then I have to make a trip into Jacksonville to see about placing the cemetery plot up for sale that was not used for him. as he is in the bottom of my curio cabinet. (going to cover him and all in a pretty please fabric). Thank god I am not going alone. Marty my sister in law is going with me. First time for her to fly. So I will be sure not to lose her in the airport.

My niece Lauren is coming to take care of my babies while I am gone. They love her.

I have been working on a crazy quilt lap quilt - 2 of them. Really a new item for me to do. I have never done one of them before. I think I will have fun with them as it allows you to be creative with the embellishments on it. 

I better get off here. I have things that has to be done before I can fly out. 

So will post after we get back.

Dear Blog (???? just me )

 

Our weather is really starting to get colder and looks like maybe snow coming soon. We have several overcast days. Our weather here has turned really cold and it will most likely have snow coming on soon. When that does I will not be going out on the road much. Thank goodness I really have a good bit of hand work to do. So that was good.

Not a lot going on here. Surfacing up out of the depression. I feel it easing off which is good. I will be able to handle the holidays and the depression that comes with it. So if I am not in the deep troughs of it I will be able to function.

I have been up here for a year last month. Wow  does not even seem like it. I have adjusted really well with country life. Even though it is to have 200 people here in Bone Gap. I just do not see how they get that number…..I have found that I really like living alone. At the moment I do not see me getting involved in any sort of relationship.. maybe never. Every relationship has been a form of abuse. I do not have good luck or happiness’ it seems in any of them. Poor choices is what it is.

I have to get the lap quilt for Lauren on the sewing machine by this weekend. Marty will be giving it to her for xmas. She saw it and asked if she could have for her. Told her yes it was in the ufo (unfinished objects) pile of things that have to be finished up so that I have nothing hanging over my head to finish up. It is not like I do not have the time because I do. And look to have more of it on hand when the snow hits. It has been over 30 yrs since I have driven on it. At the time I drove a monster of a tank (Chrysler Newport) and did not matter if I ditched it. Now I am driving the gas beast which is a huge dodge ram. So I know I do not want to try it.

One of the hardest things for me is that I have to actually wear shoes, jeans and sweaters or a hoodie. When I have been use to wearing flip flops, shorts and light weight sweaters. Ugh!!!!

I got the fleece to do what the kids call lovies. And it hit me really hard as it was something that Lissa always did for them. It really made me miss her more. The grief is still there and it is going to be so hard. I thought it was bad when I lost mom. But it is nothing like losing her. It is more intense as you do things and know that she did them also. No one knows what the grief is when you lose a child unless they have been there. It is hard to say and put into words for anyone to really understand. You never think you will lose a child when they are the ones that out live us.

I am so worried about my brother. He went to have more test done and the results are that he is completely blind in the left eye.

Marty and I will be flying out on Dec 4^th to Florida to take care of getting the property ready for sale. Frankly I am stressing so terribly bad. I have been picking at my face, neck and down to shoulder. This is caused from the stress that I have to deal with regardless of the reason for it I do it. Bad habit that I do not seem to control, I know I should not pick at it but I do it even when I am not even aware of doing it. I hate having to deal with our half sister one reason is I was not raised with her as she is 12 yrs older than I am. And I can swear that mom found her in the garden as she is so totally different from myself and my brother (she is his sister as they share same father).

I will be glad to be finished with the property and other things so I can cut all ties to down there. There is nothing there for me any longer.

I guess I better get off of here as I have things yet to be done.

Just another day living in my thoughts

What can I say today and the past few days (more than several in fact) been battling depression.

Deep seated severe depression, will not lie about how bad it is because if I do and believe it then I am so in deep trouble as it will spiral outside of my control. No clue what has triggered the shift into this area.

With it comes the migraines. Nightmares and lack of sleep….. I hate that. Because it does not change the sleep whether I am in the manic or severe depression lack of sleep is present in both of them.

Thought that I had come up out and surfaced from it, but I guess I was fooling myself or else I just did a plummet back down so fast that I did not catch it. I should have caught it earlier than I did and not let it get to this state…..

I know when in the grips of it that I feel so overwhelmed and drained at the same time. I don’t want to cope with the world much less my life. Living alone when I hit it sometimes it gets a real hold on me before it is detected. One of the things I get during this time is Birdie demanding being on me. Much more than usual that is. And I am the one who has to be accountable for that. No one else there to kick me out of it. My brother is a sweetheart but he has no clue how to handle it.  

I so miss Ember…..she is a really a special good friend of mine. We would talk over coffee then head out and clean house while on the phone. She knew how I was and what my illness did to my life and just everything including the abusive controlling situation that I was in.  More so than anyone else. She saw me everyday and we would chat on the phone or back and forth across the street and after everyone was in bed by the phone. She has been there with me through all of it for around 4 yrs now. I do not know what I would have done without her to share with and her to share with me to share laughter, tears, hopes and dreams.  For us not to judge either one on mistakes made or judgments passed out.  She was there when I almost died (came so close more than people realize even), there when the abuse got bad, there for me after I did what I did with trying to strangle him, going to jail, moving in with Lissa and family. Which for that I am so thankful that I did as I was able to share with my daughter before she passed away.  There after she passed away.  She has been there through all of it, I love her as a sister because we grew close and still am. Even though the miles separate us. We still chat. Maybe not everyday but still a lot.

I just hope that at some point I will find someone here who becomes as special a friend that Ember is. Not to replace her as no one can ever replace her or our special friendship. The last friend I had like this passed away in May 2000. We had been friends for 20 yrs. I felt the void so deeply until I met Ember. I can see many years ahead of us as friends.

I find it hard to connect with people, much less let them into my life. Therefore I make few friendships and cherish the ones I do have. Life can be a cold lonely place even if you are in a relationship or not. No one can control how lonely a person can be or not. There are no set rules that define this as it applies to so many aspects of life. Some people are fortunate that they never have this period in life.

I guess this is where I should end this and shuffle off to lay with birdie and sacha on the sofa. With mister tigger up on the back of it.

Hello Blog...........

Well all I have to say drinking black coffee with sweetener is the flipping pits. I guess I should not fuss about it. At this point I have lost 8 lbs so far with the diet. Could have been better but as it is doing slow most likely be better than massive weight loss could be.  I am not starving but god help me if I do not want chocolate some. 77 more lbs to go......

here we go.....today must be a day that the birds and the cat is driving me crazy....I see lots of black coffee in my future today and makes it worse I have to do the bird room today....when I say that I mean the cages. I do the floors in there everyday.

I thank God that I have a best friend that is there for me and I know I drive her crazy but we love each other. I would be so not doing well living alone if she was not there to talk to no matter of the time when I call. (within reason). I really miss our coffee chats and talking on the phone while doing housework. Visiting back and forth with each other. And SHE was the one person asshole of husband could not run off. She was there for me even through the hardest of times of all of it for a good long time. I love her as if she is my sister. You know the old saying that family is who is there and you have a bond with. Not necessarily the ones by blood. By blood the only one I count as my family is my brother. I can not express the love I have for him. He is 9 yrs older than me. But I always followed him around since I was big enough to do so. Growing up over the years he is the one constant in my life that never changed at all. This does not count the grandchildren as they will always be a part of my Lissa and therefore a part of me. My boys are a completely different story and one that I will not address here. Just say I love them and let's leave it at that.

Our weather is swinging back and forth with cold, cool and really warm............ it needs to make up its mind what it is going to be doing.

I have started a sample crazy quilt block work up. So far it is looking good. I am having to learn some new embroidery stitches that are used on them. I will be doing one block and all embellishments on it before moving on to the next block. I have 2 of them to make and I think I will make one for me if I can squeeze it in. These are lap quilts not full size ones.
This is it for today.

Dear Blog.........

Hello there….today is Sunday and a a bright sunny day with the highs in the mid 70’s.…… our weather has been so messed up. Going from upper 30’s some nights to 40’s some nights. Just hard to keep up with.

I hate rainy days, they affect my mood   and I just want to curl up in a huddle of blankets and either read or sleep (which I do not get enough of it lately.)  Thankfully for the good weather today. Things to do and people to talk with. Sundays are my day to talk with the my grandchildren.

I am so glad I have brought Tigger Tom inside. Just a little time ago  there was a stray tom on my porch after another cat and can we talk about a cat fight?!!!! At least I know he is a wimp because that is one of the reasons he was brought in as he was getting jumped and not defending himself at all. He is working out really well. Although right now I am calling him a flea bag. I was late putting his flea spot on him and it is my fault. This time I marked down to not forget again. Right now he is banned from my bedroom as I do not want them in there until he is fleabag proofed. He usually comes in after he gets tired of playing to sleep on the bed with me. And right now he is an unhappy little guy about it. He has to be the cleanest cat I have ever seen. He is constantly cleaning himself. He has a habit that I am unsure of what he is doing…maybe rubbing his scent on me, he will love up on me and take his face or head and rub on me around neck and bottom of face. I have never had that from a cat before.

I have been working up a test block with the crazy quilt….I am having fun with it. The good thing about doing one is that you can use as  inspirations is the ones of days gone by. They used what ever they had at hand. Not just cotton but, damask, velvets, satins, silks…..so I have been collecting and my friend sent some of her grandmothers clothes that had passed away. Due to the type of clothing is the reason I have chosen this pattern. I have asked a friend that quilts to join me in doing one block a week with me on this journey. Which she has agreed to. Which I think it will be fun.  

Yes I know I am rambling around in thoughts right now I can not help it. Right now I feel like strangling one of my parrots as he is acting up he knows I am not feeling good with a migraine and he wants to be up on top of me. But then that is what a therapy parrot is. He has to be where he can see me.To help you calm down and chill out. I can not be to upset with him that has been his job he has performed for me for 13 years now. There are times I don’t think I would have come through some of them. He gives me kisses preens me and then will pull on strand of hair at a time…..omg it hurts to. I hate that part of it. But he is so so sweet.

This is birdie with me giving kisses and snuggling  and another of him being sweet.

Birdie playing with newspaper on sofa and on his toy bin on sofa.

Right now I am unable to handle Meeka  as she is in breeding mode and has a box she puts her toys in and coos in there. And god forgive me having to feed her and cleaning her cage. It Has been a real challenge.

Sacha has taken over control of my recliner as his personal space to be. So I had to pick up another chair for me.

This past month I picked up one of the green organic skillet and let me tell you it does live up to its hype. Monkey has been testy lately. I offer him time out of the cage sometimes he wants to be social and others just left alone. I always give Meeka the option of getting out. Daisy Mae she is starting to come out to me on a towel. I am so proud of her she has stopped trying to attack you for taking her feeder bowls like she did. She is a real sweetheart. But birdie and Meeka do not get along even though they are male and female. They despise each other. Thank goodness won’t have to worry about breeding with them which I do not want at all.               

Omg!!! Don’t tell me Birdie is starting his thing again…..let me tell you parrots do have a sexual masturbation. Sometimes it gets embarrassing let me tell you and it depends on what breed the parrot is also. . living with parrots is a real eye opener in the avian world.

I find that I need to end this as on my word it says 2 pages!!!!!! OMG I have rambled around in my head for all of this.

Read At Your Own RISK!!!

Let's just say that today is not a good day! Got up at 5 am took meds for headache which is what I had at the time. When getting up it was a full blown migraine. They have been plaguing for over 2 weeks coming and going. And no it is not a sign of something wrong. I have been one of the unlucky ones. When I started being a young lady they started along with ungodly cramps....mom always said "after menopause they will go away" right!!!! not happening....so I still suffer from them. Sometimes nightmare trigger them or stress or just because they want to visit me. There really is not rhyme or reason for them. I have had all sorts of tests done to see what is going on and they find nothing that is there causing them. So I take my meds and deal with it. I think right now it is because I have cut back on the caffeine, not drinking as much coffee as I did. 

I started a diet on 10/7/12 I have lost as of today 8 lbs.  For you who want to know what I am using it is called HCG1234. Here is the website 
http://www.hcg1234.com/index.html I order it from walmart on line. they have it at 29. a bottle and it is the exact same thing that they are charging a arm and leg for. It has high reviews from users and it is backed by a dr. Let me tell you I was skeptical of it because in the past I have tried most everything on the market and that is including diet centers. And no results other than maybe 10 lbs and it did not stay off. This is rerouting your eating habits and the way you look at food. I will admit that the first couple of days was hard for me. But I stayed with it.  And in the long run it is working and I am amazed at the results. I am eating and not starving with it. My hardest thing with it is that there has to be a breakfast, lunch and dinner. I have to portion out my stuff. I am one of these people who really just have coffee all through the day, maybe something to snack on and then do dinner. But I have had to change how I eat....

On a more personal note!!!!!! There has always been a couple of things that I have always wanted to do and  while my mom was alive I dared not to have it done as she had this thing about tattoos it was alright for men to have them but not women.....so after she passed away I got a small tattoo. which now needs touched up as color is fading.....and I wanted a second one but never knew what I wanted. But I have found it just not doing it yet....and the other thing I wanted to do was get piercing done on my nips. So recently I got up the nerve to brave the needle and get them done. Course brother and sister in law is rolling their eyes at me.
But now I have no one to answer to but myself and to me it is not a problem. I love jewelry and  that is another place that I can put it at least when they heal that is. Yeah you can say I have lost my mind but I really have not!

We have been having really weird temps. Some days it is really low temp and the nights really really low. My brother is thinking we will have a snowy winter this year. I am hesitate about it. Been long long time I have driven  in it. But I am excited to see it also. Weird huh? The last time I saw snow was about 14 yrs ago. Other than the tiny bit we had last winter. 

I have been here in Il now for 1 yr. If I count off incidents that have happened since Dec 2009 I was able to see very clearly what my life was like.  I almost died in Dec 2009 I spent 11 days in hospital. Actually the surgeon did not think I would live. I had gallstones so bad they filled up the gallbladder and went down in the liver and bile duct. The liver was starting to shut down on me.I had gangrene all through out my organs and everywhere.  I did not feel any pain because at the time I was dealing with alot of pain due to my face and all and high tolerance for pain.  I actually did not feel it until right before I went to the hospital. I was very lucky that the surgeon that was working that day was one of the best in his field and highly credited. He was a blessing because he saved my life. He told me he would always remember me because I was one of the cases that he worked a miracle on. I will thank the lord for having him as my doctor. 
Recovery was really hard on me. I had to go see him every week for almost 3 months. I came home with tubes and bags attached to me. One from the liver and one from the bile duct. They stayed in almost the whole 3 months.  Then I had to have another surgery later that same year. 2010 was my jammy year that was what I mostly wore. During this time before going into the hospital I found out that Dad had passed away in Oct  09. 2010 was also a eye opener to the real state of my marriage. another 16 yrs down the drain.....I won't go into the details of it for those who really know me and all they know what happened. 2011 was a very difficult year for me in lots of ways. The incident that resulted in me living with daughter and family. And taking care of her and her home. She was so sick but I never knew how sick she was as she tried not to let people know it. She passed away 13 days after her 33 birthday....The move to Illinois in Oct of that same year. In Feb 2013 I will have been separated from the asshole I am married to. I will be filing for a divorce around the first of the year. That will be a great start to a new year. After moving up here and getting a new doctor she gave me a rx and lets just say it was a miracle. All the pain I was having from my tmj has now gone away. First time since in my 20's that I am pain free...awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thoughts have escaped me that I wanted to write so I will catch you on the flip side!!!

Wandering thoughts

Well what can I say!!!!! We have gotten to winter weather already.....I can see us having an early winter with snow. 

I finally did something that I wanted to have for a good few years. So I braved my aversion of needles to have my nips pierced. I also picked up stuff to do my nails....trying to make my self feel better about me. 
I started the new diet today. Also am learning how to do my own nails......lol  they do not look bad either.This is why I have to lose the weight besides health but I hate the way I look like in photos!

I figure this. I am the only one living here besides parrots and tigger. So I should be able to do it just fine because I am only feeding myself. So we will see!!!!!

Other than that we had the wedding last month. And they are happy nothing really changed other than the ceremony that made it legal. They are so much alike, they hunt,fish and do all that stuff.

 True redneck wedding with shot guns and hunting clothes...lol

 Not me! I can not kill anything beyond a snake...which is why I have 2 of the hugest raccoon's that come to my porch....plus sometimes a opossum and a skunk that lives in the tree break wall. (trees and bushes to help block the cold wind)
I guess this all I have to say.
laters

Difficult times for me soon to come

I know that you are most likely saying to yourselves "what is she talking about?"

Very simple really......watching what I ate and working out (admittedly not much this past month with getting ready for the wedding).  But did up til that point. I have gained more weight much more so. I can not live with it. It is hurting me to stand or walk for any length of time. And for the cost of the monthly fee at the gym which is a waste if not getting to go much and then it hurting me really bad. Shoulder, knee ( I had knee surgery in 2008) I am limited to what I am not able to do. 

So I got a workout music exercise program dvd. I am also trying something else new (more about later, if it works) and following their diet plan. Let's just say eating habits is going to be overhauled alot..... but I am determined that I am going to use it and the workout and I AM GOING to lose this excess weight I have. 

Not only will I be more healthy eating wise but on my body if it does not have to  carry all the extra weight around and possibly causing more health problems which I am lucky so far. Just cholesterol and acid reflux.... so if I can stop anything else coming on I will be happy. My brother is diabetic and I see him doing those shots and pills for it. I hate needles really bad, I just don't see me handling them very well. And so far it has not come to that but I do not want to risk it. Plus I will feel better about myself also. Which I really need to do so. 

People who live their life in the same place all their life does not understand the total stress on a person mentally and emotionally when you are uprooted from some place familiar to you and dropped in a whole new environment. I can tell you it has been a huge challenge for me to adjust to. I have lived my whole entire life from the age of 9 in Florida.  Along with adjusting to living alone  (for which I am thankful for now but was really hard for me), being in the country and just all of it. 

I finally had to bring Tigger Tom (my cat) inside. There was a stray tomcat beating my baby up and he was not fighting but cowering against the front door crying. So brought him in. Ran the landlords 3 cats back to her place. 

Living in the country has its perks. I see wild rabbits in behind my trailer in the yard eating clover as it is all over back there. I have wildlife that appears on my front porch.....last evening I could not figure out what tigger was carrying on at the front door (antique door with 15 panes of inset glass). I had 2 of the hugest raccoon's looking in my door with noses and feet on it. Well to say when I went to wally world for storing I bought 2 curtain rods one for the top and one for the bottom. I will be covering that bad boy up. Just what I need is a wild fox or coyote coming up to it and scaring me half to death. Do not fancy that at all. 

Came home and told Tigger he better know that I love him. I had to carry a huge box of kitty litter in.  He is doing amazingly well. Course I keep a close watch on him also. I am not going to risk the parrots because of letting down my guard... for a cat that is not all that old he is very calm and laid back with it all. 

As you can see I changed the layout. Have to change up once in while. 
I guess it is it for me. I am worn completely out running around and doing all my stuff today. 

Laters

Sunday Morning

Another day with getting up with a migraine. I hate having nightmares...and not being able to shake them off to wake up. These episodes is what triggers the migraines because they follow the next day. Doesn't help that on nights I don't have them then I have very light broken sleep and not restful either.  

 And Tigger Tom driving me crazy. One of the outside cats (not mine) keeps hanging around the door. But won't come in. so I am feeding her just her. But I am guessing it is because her and Tigger were hanging together and played together. I am at a loss what to do. She is still a kitten around 6 months old this coming month. 

It amazes me that I will have been here for a year. Wow all I can say is that it flew past so quickly...the older I get the quicker it seems to go. Like yesterday feels like we have not been through Christmas that long. I like it here it is so peaceful and quiet. I love the quiet...no city sounds at all. I do not have to worry if I leave the windows open at night or that I can go to bed and not even lock the door (which would not do anyway). I like the feel of a slower pace and it is not rush rush here and there. I can go at my own pace. And that is why I like the face that I live alone. Things would change if you are with someone. And I really do not see that happening. One getting up there in age and people are looking for someone younger...

Anyway not looking for someone. I am trying to get a divorce from the one I am unfortunately married to. And the fact this is the first time in all my years with the exception of about a year not married since I was 19 yrs old.I always thought that I had to be married in order to get along with live. That thought had led me down the wrong path. Of choosing someone who was unsuitable for me. This time I can just be me and get to really know myself. Weird huh? At the age of 54 talking about getting to know myself?

Does anyone kiss their pets? or to embarrassed to say so? I do give kisses to my parrots on the beaks. Some of even gently kiss me back. Tigger is a very affectionate cat. He loves to snuggle and give lots of head rubs and then kisses me. I have always done this no matter what animal I have had. (inside that is).  
I am strange I guess. My brother's cat Spooky does not seek attention like my cat does. But I am amazed that she will sleep on her back for hours at a time. I would rather have an affectionate one and a romp cat playing with his toys or toys the birds throw down to the floor.He will run and slide on my floor and it is so darn funny. Got to love animals they make life worth living with. the are their own person (acts like) and so unique in their own way. 

Laters all

Becca  

Rambling around in my head!

I live my life with bipolar 1 w/ psychosis. If you do not want to read any further then that is fine. I will be speaking frankly about what it is and what it does to me and how I try to manage life with it. 


The hardest thing for me is to write about my being bipolar. Some of you will think "oh she is looking for sympathy". But I really am not. This blog is for me to write about my life and the happenings of it.  Dealing with the jumbled up thoughts inside of my head. I have to sift through them every day just to be able to get through it sometimes. It is not easy dealing with it. And some days it gets the upper hand on me. There are days that I don't cope with it so well and those are the bad days for me. 

About 5-6 yrs ago I have had the misfortune of dealing with the added add on to my bipolar 1 in which resulted in this being added with it. bipolar disorder 1 with psychosis.
the part of it that drives me bat shit crazy is the hearing things that others don't. 

The most common hallucinations are auditory, where a patient hears voices or sounds that do not really exist. Visual hallucinations (seeing images that aren't there) are the next most common type.

For example one of them being: the fact that i was woken up with what sounded like a party in the living room....i went downstairs to see what was going on and it was coming from the living room. so i went outside to see if it was coming from a neighbors house and it was not. so i went back in and it was still there...i woke my husband up and asked him if he heard anything and his answer was no. so i knew it was me!

I have a break through with it once in a while. And when I do I truly hate it. It is truly hard for me. To this extent I am so glad I live alone. I do not have to deal with someone throwing it in my face that I have a mental disorder therefore "I can treat you any way I want to as you are crazy".or "you are less a human for being defective". Yep heard these among countless others that left me being beat down and feeling like I was worthless by the one person that should have been supportive of me but was not. I spent to long in a abusive relationship way to long.

You do not wake up one day and say "today I will be bipolar". Nope that is not what happens at all. According to my dr I was misdiagnosed with being depressive and was given meds for it. Which in turn made it worse because I played their game of medical musical chairs but with meds rather that music. The most painful of things is the fact that I tried to kill myself 3 times. OH Yeah the medications they were trying on me made it much worse than it should have been. One of the key factors is that some families are at more risk than others. The family history is important. No one was really listening to what I was telling them. And finally I found a doctor that truly listened to what I was saying. And believe me she saw before her a true basket case of a person. One of the key factors that should have tipped off the other doctors was the fact that my father had electric shock therapy when I was 4 yrs old this was in 1962-1963. This was the standard treatment back then for it. Also the added fact that my mother dealt with depression really bad. Also added fact that my biological half brother from my father was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Then add the fact that my daughter was also being treated for mental illness. And on her father's side mental illness ran rampant   through it.Poor baby got it all from both sides of the family. 

it is really hard for someone to grasp and understand what makes it tick. Even I don't and I live in it all the time. The loss of days, time and the mislaid things that I think I will be sure to look at if lost something. Walking from room to the next to get something and looking puzzled because don't remember what I was going after. Or the stopping in mid sentence because what I was saying just escaped me. Sometimes I run around as if my head was not there looking for what I mislaid. This goes along way with making me feel stupid and that is really not the case. I am intelligent and gifted with creativity that I know that is not the case but it does not stop me from feeling it though. 

If a person has not experienced a person in this situation of dealing with it. Then they have no comprehension of what it does to a person. Let me tell you it is not a bit pretty either. There are days I just want to curl up in a ball and let the world pass me by. There are days that I am productive and go on a spree of cleaning or what I call spring cleaning. You know the phase I am talking about because some of you have that euphoric feeling without having mental issues. There are days I have to deal with just trying to grab a thought out of the swirling ones in my head and hang on for dear life. 

The best part of living alone and not dealing with the stress of a bad marriage or relationship has benefited my health.  I live in a small rural town(if you can call it that) and the life of the area is a slow pace here. For all of you who know the degree of pain that I have suffered with my face for many a year will be happy for me. 
The doctor added a new medication to my mix. and omg it works like a charm. The tmj had got so bad and she decided to try me on mobic for it. and miracles never cease! It worked, along with not dealing with stress of a bad relationship the nerves in my face have settled down. I can honestly say that for the first time in my life since my early 20's I am almost totally pain free. It is like a huge break through for me. I can not tell you how that in itself has changed my life. Really changed my life as I am able to look around and be part of it as much as I can which I never did before.

Enough said....laundry does not do itself...lol wish it did!
laters 

Well it has been little while since I wrote here. It has turned out to be a pretty day here. The wind blowing nd curtains swaying. Cool enough to open my windows today. Tigger is sprawed on the sofa and Sacha is on his recliner. He has been talking and making his sounds.
I have been battling a bad case of depression for about 3 months now. It has really been a hard one to deal with. Plus it seems that all the way through it I was fighting a migraine off and on all through it. Don't ask because I do not know what triggered it.
I have engery at all. Trouble staying awake is most unsettling. And now having issues with one part of the bipolar. I have to talk with my dr about it. It is so bad I slept for 12 hours straight. Most days I am having to take a nap. I really got to pull the weight off. It is very difficult for me to stand on my feet and legs. Which means I have got to get it off. 
We finally got the wedding preparations done...6 weeks of it. And we pulled it beautifully. Was a nice wedding on Saturady, September 22, 2012. I really have a good sister in law this time...I am so happy for them. They have been together for 5 yrs. So it was time.  She is so good to him and she loves him totally with all her heart...
I guess this is it. My mind is a total blank--am I the only one with this problem?

Musings

Spent a really good evening with family. It was Lauren's 20th birthday. lol put a bunch of girls in a room together and what discussions come......blush blush......just glad brother was in bed already. 
Went to the dr today... 3 times of week is not going to work. That is maintaining weight not enough for me to burn calories. So just what I thought I was going to have to be more agressive is just that. She said that I need to go everyday in order to lose the weight. 
I am watching portion control along with the the workout. So we will see.... how it helps to step it up. Hopefully it will have results. I got a mp3 player as I will be going some of it alone. I have made the decision that I will be getting up around 6 am (unthinkable time for me) and take care of the parrots then head out to the gym for my work out. 
This so sad.....I have started to take estroven for hot flashes and nite sweats. darn doctor was right that I ran the risk of going through it a second time.....the first time was no piece of cake and this one is as bad if not worse than the first time around. 
Bad weather with the rains and all and my migraines have kicked up on me. Hoping that it will get better as weather gets better. I can always pray.
You know that you would think that Wal-mart all over would carry the same basic thing no matter where you are. I can tell you that is not so. I was use to get a product by Johnson and Johnson that is the  Melt Away Stress Body Lotion. They do not carry it here. I sure miss it. Oh well. life goes on right? More serious issues than lotion to worry about. Go figure that moving to small towns leaves some things to be desired. 
lol I am having a really hard time adjusting to driving on 2 way roads. you do not find many of them still around but here that is most of what you are traveling. and oh so confusing. With the multiple lanes you have white lines dividing them and yellow on the outsides. well here it is the opposite.....so easy to confuse me!!!! 
Off to bed nite all 

Here we go again.......

Been a while since posting. Just alot going on and stuff running around in my head and can't get a grip on it or a handle on all of it. A bit unsettling I can tell you

Been working on getting the rock garden cleaned out and redone for the wedding this coming month. Has been a real job too.  What a mess it has been and a challenge to. Yesterday Marty called me early and I mean early (they get up at 4:30 every morning and me I am not a morning person so they delight in getting my unhappy butt up!) to come and go with her to pick up a half ton of pea gravel and the stone edging for it. Then in the early evening when it has cooled off she called over here because my brother told her to call her sister (wow sister...I like that) to get over there as there was work to do.  Course now I have her bright ass yellow truck in the drive as the gas beast is over with pea gravel still in it. The gas beast is a full size dodge ram truck. She don’t get a very good gas mileage but then again I put 60 in at the beginning of the month and it last all month. I do not do much running around so it is not to bad. The most it goes is back and forth here in Bone Gap.

This hot heat has hit me hard. The heat has been triggering my migraines a good bit along with the broken sleep that is not a good deep sleep. Now as  it is so hot outside.......menopause here we come AGAIN!!! Lucky me......well it got bad enough with the night sweats and hot flashes that I went to get estroven. I will not do the HRT.......not a chance. It has taken a lot out of me as it seems to be ramped up pretty bad. It is no wonder why I am not sleeping very well at all. The hot flashes and flushing comes on and omg..... where is my sanity at? I can hardly breathe it is so bad.....Nothing like being clammy off and on all day. Cold showers helps for a little bit that is until another hits. You know it is not something that is talked about openly like your monthly cycle. You do not know what to expect with it. For me this is the 2nd time around. I had a hysterectomy at the age of 30. At 35 I went through it due to having had it and not producing hormones. The dr was so good as to tell me that I may go through it again when it was my time for it to come. And bless his little heart he was so darn right.......

Marty and I joined a gym and we have been going to work out around her work schedule to do so. Neither of us wants to go by ourselves not only is it safer in case one of us gets hurt. Let's just say it has been an experience neither one of us will repeat. And by that the other day when we were there.....I am so sure they had a good laugh when they looked at the cam.....Marty got on a machine I forget what it is called, but you adjust for hanging upside down and she did not change the settings on it and got stuck... upside down and almost fell out of it.Well in my hurry to get to her I tripped getting off the exercise bike that sits low. Needless to say I don't think she will be trying it in the future!!!! We looked at each other and busted out laughing like idiots.....but was worth it to.

My tomcat Tigger is such a sweet boy. The only thing about him being outside and all is the fact the landlord has a mommy cat (what I call her and then socks and sweetie) and two kittens. They are suppose to be barn cats but she had the kittens here under my trailer. So of course I am now feeding 4 cats instead of one. I will not see them go hungry call me soft hearted but it is what it is. I have to admit that the kittens are cute as can be. I have a hummingbird feeder out on the porch and the silly kittens try to catch the hummingbirds and the feeder is not close enough where they are jumping up and then they go splat into the flower bed. You would think they learn not to do it but that is not the case....it is not uncommon for me to see cat noses against my front door. Or laying all over the porch. It is an old antique door that has 15 panes of glasses (pain to clean to ) and has a yep! Skelton key for it. Yesterday Sacha was scooting around on the floor while I was working in the kitchen and he went to the door and did his feathers up thing and I explained to him that is why they are on the other side of that door for his safety.  They of course was there looking in at him.....

Today is going to be a laid back day for me as fought off and on all night a headache trying to work into a migraine.....not good this morning I feel like a wrung out dishcloth. I am enjoying the quite as my babies has adjusted to having their own room and only out here off and on through the day. No screaming which is really a welcome change for me. The other day I laid down on the sofa and took a nap. And as Sacha has to sleep weird now (don’t get me started on that) he laid down with me. We slept for 2 hours.....and would have slept longer if my phone did not ring. 
I guess I have done alot of rambling and really nothing that you want to read but here it is.
Have a happy Sunday

Bipolar Disorder.Lesson

For those of you who really have no understanding of what Bipolar Disorder is. Here is the clinically write up on it. ~~~~now what I deal with is the ones in blue, red and deep rose. I am so so lucky.....or not! But for those of you who have no earthly clue of what it is and what I deal with daily I hope this helps you to understand sometimes what I write. I take a total of 3 heavy doses of medication for this just to control and give me some peace and sanity as I am able to get. This is why I am so terribly glad that I now live alone as sometimes it is hard for another person living with you to understand what you deal with. It can cause issues beyond your control.

 Manic phase of bipolar disorder
Signs and symptoms of the manic or hypomanic phase of bipolar disorder can include:

Euphoria
Inflated self-esteem
Poor judgment
Rapid speech
Racing thoughts
Aggressive behavior
Agitation or irritation
Increased physical activity
Risky behavior
Spending sprees or unwise financial choices
Increased drive to perform or achieve goals
Increased sex drive
Decreased need for sleep
Easily distracted
Careless or dangerous use of drugs or alcohol
Frequent absences from work or school
Delusions or a break from reality (psychosis)
Poor performance at work or school

Depressive phase of bipolar disorder
Signs and symptoms of the depressive phase of bipolar disorder can include:

Sadness
Hopelessness
Suicidal thoughts or behavior
Anxiety
Guilt
Sleep problems
Low appetite or increased appetite
Fatigue
Loss of interest in activities once considered enjoyable
Problems concentrating
Irritability
Chronic pain without a known cause
Frequent absences from work or school
Poor performance at work or school

Other signs and symptoms of bipolar disorder
Signs and symptoms of bipolar disorder can also include:

Seasonal changes in mood. As with seasonal affective disorder (SAD), some people with bipolar disorder have moods that change with the seasons. Some people become manic or hypomanic in the spring or summer and then become depressed in the fall or winter. For other people, this cycle is reversed — they become depressed in the spring or summer and manic or hypomanic in the fall or winter.

Rapid cycling bipolar disorder. Some people with bipolar disorder have rapid mood shifts. This is defined as having four or more mood swings within a single year. However, in some people mood shifts occur much more quickly, sometimes within just hours.

Psychosis. Severe episodes of either mania or depression may result in psychosis, a detachment from reality. Symptoms of psychosis may include false but strongly held beliefs (delusions) and hearing or seeing things that aren't there (hallucinations).