Today is the anniversary of my beautiful daughter Melissa passing away. Just 13 days after her 32nd birthday. Today is a very emotional hard day mentally also. Not only for myself but for my son in law. All that has happened has not nor will it change the fact that I love him as a son. 

To know her was to love her. If you never knew her you would not know what a caring person she was, she loved her kids and husband beyond belief. 
She loved her friends and family to the fullest love will go. I miss her very much. There is not a day goes by that something will come up that makes me think of her. Or what she would think about that. or just to even chat with on the phone like we did all the time.
I am so thankful that I was able to spend 4 months with her prior to her death. 
There are times that stuff happens and you can not see the reason behind it but then a light bulb goes off in your head and it is a ah ha moment. Then you understand that why it happened was the best thing to have been.'

This is and has been a very emotional hard year for me. You never expect to lose a child before you pass. It just is not to happen. But when it does it is very hard to express what it has done to you or how you will handle it. Handling it people would think that it will be so easy for the person going through it. People forget that it was a child that is gone not a spouse. I think losing a spouse is not as hard as losing a child. 

I am thankful for the fact that I have 5 beautiful grandchildren and a son in law (extended family). He will always be my son in law and a part of my life no matter should he find someone. I just hope that she is accepting of the fact that I am and will be in their lives. The children are the only link I have left of my daughter. 

As a person gets older the things that you value changes with life changes. Things that you never thought you would value has turned out to be the best change. You look at life differently. When you are in your 20's you look at someone in there 40's and 50's as being really old. But when you reach those milestones they do not seem to be that old. There are things that you thought would always be important to you no matter how little. But in reality they are not so important to you. 

You age and your body ages, you have weight gain that you always stated you would not have. But reality sets in and low and behold you have weight issues. You lose your parents before you think you should. But it happens. You think you will be married to the same person for the rest of your life because that is all you see in the here and now. 

I got to go.  

Changes in the wind

Noone told me that putting a cat in a carrier was so darn hard!!!! I had the pleasure if you call it that of taking Spooky to the vet to be bathed and ears checked. She howled the whole way there. I felt really bad for her.....I was just the delivery person..
I will be joining a gym with Marty (sister in law) this coming week or the first week of August. I joined a weight loss forum to be able to track and have moral support with people who have weight to lose. Plus keep track of weight and get ideas for meals and diet plans to go by. So I am deadly serious about losing this weight of mine. I have 80 lbs to lose  and that is alot but I will do it. For me for my heath and my mental well being.wish me luckl

Second Posting of a draft that was not posted.

I thought I had the mess with the asshole of a husband cleaned up to find out he is still out there hanging over my head. Will I ever get through the mess I was in? sometimes I wonder…..I will  divorce him as soon as I have been in the state long enough to do so. Of course on his facebook page it list him as a carpenter by trade (yea when he can hold a job) divorced and looking for a new lady. OMG I pity any woman who get tangled up with him. He is a lazy boozing smoker who is controlling and mentally abusive. Ie him telling me I was not his wife and a burden and if I did not work he did not see a reason for him to do. The only difference was that I was still getting my disability check. So I was not a burden. Controlling to the point he would not let me go anywhere without him, if I did he would track me by asking where I was at etc. he did most of the storing as I was not able to go with him. He cut me off from my family and friends. I had only one that he could not close off. He resented the fact that my daughter was in my life. And I fought him every step of the way on that issue. He claimed she alienate my affection and was taking it from him. OMG what does he think a mother should do act like they have no children? he did not realize that he did not have it and had not for a very long time and that was because of the way he treated me. Which I will not go into as it is something that does not need to be shared. Family know and that is where I want it to say. He would make me miss my psych appts because he was afraid of what I would say and as he was not allowed back there. He would only let me go when I needed medication refills.

On the night in Feb. when he cause me to go into a rage because of his treatment that day and I kept telling him to stop it and step back and leave me alone. I was swinging from mania to depression. Instead he kept getting in my face and being verbally abusive. I went to the carport to tell him dinner was ready. Then he started that I was never to see my daughter or grandchildren as it took love away from him? Get real here. Anyway that was just the frosting on the cake. He provoked me with being cruel and uncaring of what that would possibly do to me.

I am not proud of this fact but I learned a valuable lesson from this. I literally saw a red rage take over that I could not stop. I slammed him against the carport wall by his throat. When I saw what I had done I let go and step back. When in this state it is very hard to deal with when being done the way he was doing. He knew what he was doing. I picked up my drink went back to the kitchen was is in there for almost 10 minutes. The minute he saw the door open up he fell out of his chair carrying on he could not breath. What he did not know is I saw him through the glass window in the door. so I called paramedics knowing  I would be arrested on domestic violence charges. Again if you are reading this most everyone close to me know about this happening and everything that led to it happening and the aftermath of it. 

Rabbit Hole anyone?

First off if you are reading my blog it is because I have invited you to be a part of following me through the ups and downs of my life as it is now. What I say here is the way I feel and see things and nothing to do with anyone else. I talk frankly about my bipolar and the way it reacts with me or me with it. Do not judge me about what I write. You can either read and follow or not it is up to you. But I would appreciate if you follow it to please have the courtesy of joining or whatever that little button on the side is that lets you follow me. 
I am looking for a rabbit hole that I can crawl up in for the rest of the month. That way I do not have to feel anything. This month has been very difficult already and more of it coming up.  
Just pass my Lissa's 33rd birthday....I so miss her. No words can tell anyone how much I do. and how bad it hurts to not have her here with me every day for the rest of my life. I only have her in my heart and my love for her. To keep her alive and a part of me. She will always be with me and a piece of me. She will be in my thoughts and in my heart for as long as I live and then beyond. 
I am very concerned about Sacha's leg and foot. I have the feeling he is going to be handicaped for the rest of his life. I may be wrong but I don't think that I am. either way I will always love him. I just have to make other arrangements for him as he can not go to a cage as he could hurt himself worse. right now he is sleeping in a bin and out all day either on the sofa or the recliner or a play area on the floor. I have a ton of washing as I have to keep the areas he is clean.. and padded on the furniture. This makes me stop and reconsider making Tigger a inside cat. Sacha would not be able to defend himself if he was attacked. So I will not risk the issue as Sacha has no other option but be out where I can watch him. He is sort of clingy and that is to be expected. He wants to be snuggled. We have been taking naps together during the day. he cuddles up and we nap.....
He has no patience with any of the other parrots getting close to him. So I try to keep them away from him although Birdie tries so hard to get close to him to make sure he is alright. If Sacha can not get to him to bite him he bites me in a tizzy as he can not get birdie. 
I am concerned as he is not eating like he should like he is depressed over all of this. Poor baby can not do things he was able to do before and I think that really gets to him. I have to keep close eye on him getting depressed. Not good for him to go there. 
Today is hump day.....middle of the week.....and what have I accomplished this week so far? Not a damn thing really. Just existing is the phase for me right now. Depressed and legaric and trying to keep from sinking lower still into it. Trying to cope with every day things taxes me and I really do not like this phase of the bipolar at all. 
I have all these little voices running around in my head and they will not shut up and let me have some peace. No I am not crazy.....it is part of the bipolar disorder I have. the reason I have bipolar disorder 1 is the intensity of the everything to do with it. also lovely and lucky me I also have the addition on top of it as part of it is. Bipolar disorder 1 with psychosis..........just lovely!!!!
I have music that runs in my head alot even in my sleep that wakes me up and the house is perfectly quiet and I would swear that it is playing somewhere in the house. Now with me living alone that is imposssible as there is not another person in the home. I sleep little sometimes and then there are times that is all I want to do. And the one down side to living alone is not having anyone to talk with all the time. at least no one that lives with me. I talk to the parrots all day long. and thank the good lord my voice is one they can not pick up as it is the pitch of it. or they would have a really bad talking habit....lol 
So I finished up the puzzle on the table. washed and ironed fabric that needed it. then I brought my machine back out yesterday and was going through what I wanted to work on. as I have a double wedding ring that I am working on and also some pieced cordhearts for a border of another quilt. Which they are paper pieced. So that is what I pulled to work on. 
I never seem to have only one thing that I am working on but several as I switch between them. 
I better get off of here and try to GET SOMETHING done.....lol yea right!!!

Very Hard day for me

Today is a very difficult day for me. 27 years ago I gave birth to a baby boy. what makes it so hard is that he refuses to acknowledge that I am his mother. He informed me at the age of 14 that he did not need me in his life or as his mother. I can count on both hands how much time I have actually seen him. 


Over time I have learned to deal with it because I have no choice but to do so. But on this day every year I am very depressed and weapy. 

Sunday Morning

Today is another high heat index and heat reaching up to 107 degrees. I have never in my life dealt with temperate this high. We got hot in Jacksonville, but rarely hit this high. So needless to say I will be staying indoors. I am not a outside person to start with so it does not bother me I cannot get outside.

Don’t know what I will be doing today but whatever it is will be inside. I have laundry to do (never ending right now with Sacha) to keep him clean.

I am so concerned about his little leg he does not seem to be able to put much weight on it or even use it he has no grip in the foot. He is truly handicapped. I am not sure I did the best thing for him when I had the surgery done on him. What quality of life will he have? He will never be able to go to a cage and play like he did before. Did I do right? I will never know the answer to that. I love him so much. He is being clingy and I can not blame him. He asks for extra time to comfort him. He gets it. He has his  times he is extra clingy and I take the time with him.

I have turned to audio books to have another voice in the house. Even though I like living alone sometimes it grates on your nerves to have no one to talk with. I have made no friends up here other than family and the landlord. I do not get out much as I hate to go to town by myself plus the gas beast guzzles gas like you would not believe. To fill that bad boy up is 75 dollars. I do it at the beginning of the month and make it last the whole month. Budgeting to stay with in what I get monthly and what little I get from sewing repairs is it.

Living in a small town is wonderful quite wise and no crime. But with a small community comes the noisy neighbors being up in your business or trying to be. That is the only part of it that I dislike a lot. That is mainly why I stay to my self here as I do not want to be gossip material.

Plus the quite has done my soul some good. It has helped me deal with Melissa’s death. It hurts and I miss her so much and to know I will never get to hold her or kiss her or tell her I love her for being the beautiful intelligent young woman and mother. To share things with. And that I am so proud of her.

I think it is hard for any mother to lose a child no matter of what reason. You never expect to out live your children that is just not right. The dealing with it is very difficult and painful. It does not matter how long or how short of time that this has been. It leaves a hole in your heart and soul that can never be filled again.

If you have noticed in reading this that I have hit the down spiral of depression I have. I want my bipolar to go back to middle ground as it is easier to deal with and I am more alert and with it. Otherwise with either the mania or the depression I tend to lose days sometimes hours and can not even tell you the day of the week. I exist in a no man’s land. At least that is what I feel. In the middle of talking losing my train of thought as to what I was saying. And draw a blank. During those times I have to make notes to myself in order to remember anything other than the routine housework and taking care of my parrots and Tigger.

I also have the landlord’s barn cat and kittens coming over to eat so it is 2 bowls of food out there. Along with water bowl that I change during the day so it is not burning hot for them. I walk by the front door which has 15 panes of glass in it (pain to clean) but awesome door. I do not cover the windows on the door. As living out here and so far up off the main road I don’t have to. This door is an antique it has a skeleton key to it. Any way I have cats laying all over my small porch. It is so awesome!  The other night I did not get the food bowls picked up soon enough. When I went to go get them I had a huge raccoon eating food out of them. He would take a bite and look at me with a shiny black nose and beady dark eyes. Trust me I was not going out there. They carry rabies and I do not want to go through the shots again. I did it one time and that was enough for me. I draw the line at feeding wild critters other than the birds. Oh hell no!!!  no raccoon is going to be hanging around my house. It is bad enough we have a skunk running around out here but I am not feeding it. Besides the fact that I can smell him.

Yesterday I looked out my windows and what do I see? 10 turkeys in my yard. Boy that would be nice turkey dinners. But alas they are the landlord’s and they are young and turkeys are so stupid. I have never in my life seen anything like them it rains and they look up to see it coming down they do not try to find shelter to get out of it either.

I would love to have a pair of peacocks. They are awesome looking. Ritchie (brother) says to have them stay you have to get them young so they know where they belong. So most likely I  will not do it. Plus have the food bill on them as you have to give them something besides what they eat.

It is already 99 degrees out! Bring on some rain please. We are so hot here the grass is crunchy when you walk on it. At least during the winter no worse than we had this year the grass did not die off.

  

Beginning of July and ramblings from a virtual bipolar hell

Well the hot weather just keeps on ticking and not giving up. I am not use to having this type of heat. Yea being from florida you would think I did but I do not remember it ever being up like it is here and no break in it. 

Yesterday was my daughter Melissa's birthday she would have been 33 yrs old....I so miss her. No words can tell anyone how much I do. and how bad it hurts to not have her here with me every day for the rest of my life. I only have her in my heart and my love for her. 


Yesterday was a very bad day for me but my heart and thoughts go out to my son in law Stan as he has to face it and her date of death alone with 5 kids depending on him holding it together. I will be thinking of him today and the rest of this month. 

I am very concerned about Sacha's leg and foot. I have the feeling he is going to be handicaped for the rest of his life. I may be wrong but I don't think that I am. either way I will always love him. I just have to make other arrangements for him as he can not go to a cage as he could hurt himself worse. right now he is sleeping in a bin and out all day either on the sofa or the recliner or a play area on the floor. I have a ton of washing as I have to keep the areas he is clean.. and padded on the furniture. This makes me stop and reconsider making Tigger a inside cat. Sacha would not be able to defend himself if he was attacked. So I will not risk the issue as Sacha has no other option but be out where I can watch him. He is sort of clingy and that is to be expected. He wants to be snuggled. We have been taking naps together during the day. he cuddles up and we nap.....

He has no patience with any of the other parrots getting close to him. So I try to keep them away from him although Birdie tries so hard to get close to him to make sure he is alright. and the way sacha acts when birdie is near is making me wonder if it was just not more than him letting go and falling. that birdie may have been involved with it. 

right now the temp is hitting 102 and humidity is hitting  37% which is low for the temp today usually it is much higher. 

I most likely should not have but last nite sacha was acting like he was not feeling good and he was burning up I did not want to put him in a covered bin with him already hot. so I made him a nest on the othe side of my bed for him. he came over as close as he could to lay his little head up on me and went to sleep. As I have a full size bed  only use half of it. It may just become his nite time bed. As I sleep alone it won't matter if he sleeps there or not. 

It was suggested to me by a vet tech to speak to my doctor about the possiblity of using small dose of valium with him as it helps stop them from feather plucking. I will google it and print it out and take with me to the vet office later this coming week. 

Have felt like you just wanted the earth to open up and swallow you? I am in that stage of the bipolar hell right now. It is a very difficult place to be when it hits. you just want to become invisible and not interact with life itself. I guess that is the best way to describe it for those who have absolutely no clue what it is like to live with a severe case of it. 

Sometimes thing trigger it and other time nothing does and it just appears out of nowhere and as the medication helps to control it so that it does not get out of hand it does not stop the feelings or emotions you have during it. 

Part of it is losing my daughter this month has been a year since it happened. The other is when you trust someone with a really private secert that you have. Now I do not trust many people with any of my secrets because it is noone's business but mine. Plus I do not want to be judged for it. People say "oh it don't matter and it won't change anything" you believe them and you certainly want to believe it. But I have always been a firm believer that actions speak more than words . Sometimes it is very hurtful that a person treats you this way after finding out something they had no clue about. 

I am past all the being judged thing~~~ if people do not like and love me as I am without shunning me then that is how I am moving forward. You sometimes have to put the negativity out of your life and concentrate on all of positive things going forth. Sometimes that is all you can do. I have family here that loves me and makes me part of stuff so I do not feel alone. I have good friend that we talk all the time on the phone. I know at any time that I can pick up the phone and call her that she is there to talk with me. She is one of the secret keeper and the other that I share everything with we have been friends and pen pals going on close to 40 yrs.give or take a yr or two. We met through a program at school and she has been through all my good times and bad times and so have I for her. There is nothing in my life that she does not know about. And the same with me we are just 3 months apart in age....I feel so blessed with having her in my life and having her friendship  for so many years. In 2001 I lost a best friend that I was close to and we had the same type of friendship. We were best friends for over 20 yrs. She had liver cancer. It created a hole in my life that will never be healed. She was there through thick and thin with me. As I was for her. It took me a long time to come to terms of losing her. 

With all this with Sacha surgery and vet bill my brother stepped up and helped me if he had not done so Sacha would not be here because that was the other option I was given. He is my sweet baby as he is only 8yrs and 4 months old. I love him regardless of his plucking issues. That started when I was under extreme stress it flowed over to him and for that I am so very sorry it did. 

Sorry for all the rambling but I am having hard time concentrating as I have all this stuff running through my head like a whirlwind going around. Racing thoughts The lack of sleep as you can not lay down and go to sleep with it because it just keeps going like the pink enegizer bunny. When I do get to sleep with it the sleep is not true sleep it is like you are in an area between being awake and sleep. It is hard to reach out and grab a thought and think about just that one without the others over shadowing it. 

Well I will go deal with my day and see what I can manage to concentrate enough to get it done.