Rambling around in my head!

I live my life with bipolar 1 w/ psychosis. If you do not want to read any further then that is fine. I will be speaking frankly about what it is and what it does to me and how I try to manage life with it. 


The hardest thing for me is to write about my being bipolar. Some of you will think "oh she is looking for sympathy". But I really am not. This blog is for me to write about my life and the happenings of it.  Dealing with the jumbled up thoughts inside of my head. I have to sift through them every day just to be able to get through it sometimes. It is not easy dealing with it. And some days it gets the upper hand on me. There are days that I don't cope with it so well and those are the bad days for me. 

About 5-6 yrs ago I have had the misfortune of dealing with the added add on to my bipolar 1 in which resulted in this being added with it. bipolar disorder 1 with psychosis.
the part of it that drives me bat shit crazy is the hearing things that others don't. 

The most common hallucinations are auditory, where a patient hears voices or sounds that do not really exist. Visual hallucinations (seeing images that aren't there) are the next most common type.

For example one of them being: the fact that i was woken up with what sounded like a party in the living room....i went downstairs to see what was going on and it was coming from the living room. so i went outside to see if it was coming from a neighbors house and it was not. so i went back in and it was still there...i woke my husband up and asked him if he heard anything and his answer was no. so i knew it was me!

I have a break through with it once in a while. And when I do I truly hate it. It is truly hard for me. To this extent I am so glad I live alone. I do not have to deal with someone throwing it in my face that I have a mental disorder therefore "I can treat you any way I want to as you are crazy".or "you are less a human for being defective". Yep heard these among countless others that left me being beat down and feeling like I was worthless by the one person that should have been supportive of me but was not. I spent to long in a abusive relationship way to long.

You do not wake up one day and say "today I will be bipolar". Nope that is not what happens at all. According to my dr I was misdiagnosed with being depressive and was given meds for it. Which in turn made it worse because I played their game of medical musical chairs but with meds rather that music. The most painful of things is the fact that I tried to kill myself 3 times. OH Yeah the medications they were trying on me made it much worse than it should have been. One of the key factors is that some families are at more risk than others. The family history is important. No one was really listening to what I was telling them. And finally I found a doctor that truly listened to what I was saying. And believe me she saw before her a true basket case of a person. One of the key factors that should have tipped off the other doctors was the fact that my father had electric shock therapy when I was 4 yrs old this was in 1962-1963. This was the standard treatment back then for it. Also the added fact that my mother dealt with depression really bad. Also added fact that my biological half brother from my father was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Then add the fact that my daughter was also being treated for mental illness. And on her father's side mental illness ran rampant   through it.Poor baby got it all from both sides of the family. 

it is really hard for someone to grasp and understand what makes it tick. Even I don't and I live in it all the time. The loss of days, time and the mislaid things that I think I will be sure to look at if lost something. Walking from room to the next to get something and looking puzzled because don't remember what I was going after. Or the stopping in mid sentence because what I was saying just escaped me. Sometimes I run around as if my head was not there looking for what I mislaid. This goes along way with making me feel stupid and that is really not the case. I am intelligent and gifted with creativity that I know that is not the case but it does not stop me from feeling it though. 

If a person has not experienced a person in this situation of dealing with it. Then they have no comprehension of what it does to a person. Let me tell you it is not a bit pretty either. There are days I just want to curl up in a ball and let the world pass me by. There are days that I am productive and go on a spree of cleaning or what I call spring cleaning. You know the phase I am talking about because some of you have that euphoric feeling without having mental issues. There are days I have to deal with just trying to grab a thought out of the swirling ones in my head and hang on for dear life. 

The best part of living alone and not dealing with the stress of a bad marriage or relationship has benefited my health.  I live in a small rural town(if you can call it that) and the life of the area is a slow pace here. For all of you who know the degree of pain that I have suffered with my face for many a year will be happy for me. 
The doctor added a new medication to my mix. and omg it works like a charm. The tmj had got so bad and she decided to try me on mobic for it. and miracles never cease! It worked, along with not dealing with stress of a bad relationship the nerves in my face have settled down. I can honestly say that for the first time in my life since my early 20's I am almost totally pain free. It is like a huge break through for me. I can not tell you how that in itself has changed my life. Really changed my life as I am able to look around and be part of it as much as I can which I never did before.

Enough said....laundry does not do itself...lol wish it did!
laters