Well here again. 

Been a good while since I have kept up with this.

No excuses I do know. Just that for the last few months I really bottomed down into a really bad depression. When I hit that stage the only thing that I am capable of is just surviving a day at a time. The difference about regular depression and bipolar depression, is the fact that it is so more much more pronounced than the other, everything is so much over the top than normal. The down swing is so much a drop that you just want to try and stop it. Even if you tried it is beyond your control sometimes. Even though you are aware of it. It does not help you cannot seem to break the cycle. It can be caused by the most simplest thing. You have trouble holding on to thoughts among other things.

Sometimes the living alone is not so good as I have no interactions and no one that sees it happening. My family (brother and sister in law) does not know how to handle it. They do not understand the ramifications of it. I feel like the walls are closing in on me. For me I am always sitting down with handwork to do. Although through this time I do not seem to even have the will to do anything but sit there. I don’t want to cope with life and I know that really sounds bad but it is a fact during that time. I have interaction with the parrots. But they are not people although they do some grounding of me.

The only people here that I have contact with is family and extended family through marriage. Or the landlord. This is a very small town. Everybody gossips about people and I really do not want them to be gossiping about me or what I said or done. In that way I have always been that way.

Sometimes I wonder when I did become that way? Is it a link back to all of my relationships and marriages. Is it because I was always different? Or is it the way I was raised? I will never know the answer to that, I just know that it is

.

When my best friend, even though lost contact with for a few years, her mom is in really bad health and way up there in age passes. She will be moving up here with me. I am looking forward to it and so is she. She is also bipolar and we have always gotten along, through dating, husbands, bad marriages. When we have differences we never stay mad at each other, it blows over and through and gone in a few minutes. We have always had each others backs and we are alike in a lot of ways. We are both loud, opinionated. We both state the obvious and we do not beat around the bush. So it is going to be a good thing for us. We are never ­­­EVER getting married again. We neither of us has had a great relationship with men, we both pick the wrong type of men. And frankly I can speak for myself I am totally done with it. If I knew what I know now I do not think I would ever get married at all. That is not saying that I regret my children because I don’t I regret the marriages that I made bad choices with. 4 times to be exact. Sorry I know when to stop and hang up the hat and spurs so to speak.

The Gift of a Real Friend

A friend is one of the nicest things

you can have, and one of the best things

you can be. A friend is a living treasure, 

and if you have one, you have one of the 

most valuable gifts in life

A friend is the one who will always be 

beside you, through all the laughter, and

through each and every tear. A friend 

is the one thing you can always rely on;

the someone you can always open up to;

the one wonderful person who always believes 

in you in a way that no one else seems to. 

A friend is a sanctuary.

A friend is a smile. 

A friend is a hand that is always holding

yours, no matter where you are, no matter

how close or far apart you may be. 

a friend is someone who is always there

and will always~~always~~care. A friend

is a feeling of forever in the heart. 

A friend is the one door that is always

open. A friend is the one to whom you can 

give your key. A friend is one of the 

nicest things you can have, and one of 

the best things you can be.

~~~~~Douglas Pagels

This so very true. I have reconnected with my best friend from my early 20's. It is so very awesome that at the same time of life that we are both in the same place (not state) that we both want to live our life without  the tethers of being in a relationship. That we are both able to be just us once again. I find that I really like the situation of being on my own and only myself to answer to. When her mother passes away ( we are not shoving her over the edge, but she is 83 and has had multiple heart attacks). She will be moving up here to live with me. I think it will be great for both of us. We have always gotten along with no bickering. 

I am so looking forward to it. Having been up here going on 18 months now. I have made no friends other than family and the landlord. So it will be a good thing. Also she is a girlie girl like me and I guess we will hang together. I have not found one up here. I am not into the hunting and fishing which leaves me out on the edge. Close family just shakes their heads at me. I stay home to much (according to my brother), I do not get outside enough. But you got to remember that I am still adjusting to the move(yes I know). I have never been an outdoor person in my life. Never!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know the issue of being by myself so much is not conductive for my bipolar depression that I am still finding hard to work through. I had this state of being. I do not sleep well because along with it I have nightmares. Along with other issues that it brings with it. I am not looking forward to the up swing of the manic phase but at least it will be a change from the other. And then I am hoping it will get leveled out. 

It is so hard being around people who think that owning my 5 little parrots is an imposition on me financially. That I should get rid of them. What people do not realize is that to lose my parrots is like losing a child. I pointed out that it would be the same if she lost the ability to go hunting. My parrots are not throw  aways  they are companions for life, and most of them if not all of them will outlive me. But I hope to have a good long life. My granny was around 99 at best count we had. My dad died at 85, his brother is still living and in his mid to late 90's. Of course the thing worrying me is mom passed at 68, her mom at 68. So I am nervous of passing that milestone.

The weather here has finally taken a turn for the best. I am able to have the doors and windows openned up to air out the place. I want to take it as far as I can without turning on the ac. 

I better quit rambling and start doing housework.

The Gift of Hope

When you need some help to get  through the 
day; when you need a whole lot less to concern 
you, and a whole lot more to smile about....
sometimes you just have to remember:

It really is going to be okay. You're going to make 
it through this day. Even if it's one step at a time. 

Sometimes you just have to be patient and brave
and strong. If you don't know how, just make it 
up as you go along. And hold on to your hope as 
though it were a path to follow or a song to sing. 


                 Because if you have hope, 
                       you have everything.


                                                                   ---Douglas Pagels


I really need this as I have been dealing with a severe bout of depression. 
It got so down spiral that I did not catch it quick enough. I am trying very hard to come up out of it. I need to get out of it. 

Okay I know alot of you will think.....just get out of it!.... but unless you deal with bipolar you do not and will not understand it. There are some of you that does understand. 

The end of 2012 and the dawing of 2013.

So here it is the end of another year. 2011 and 2012 have been 2 hard years, lots of sorrow, healing and re-evaluating my life. It has brought a lot of changes for me personally. 

We are coming up on a new year and I know what it more or less holds for me. A divorce and weight loss is the new goal for 2013, both are attainable and therefore good choices for me. 

The weather here is steadily getting worse. I am afraid we will have lots of snow this winter. Last winter was hardly anything to it. When that happens I will be doing very little driving on it. Which means lots of handwork for me. Although as soon as I have Laurens quilt off the machine, that leaves me working on the 2 crazy quilt throws for a friend. And that is a lot of handwork doing embellishments on them. So that too is good will keep me busy. 

The one thing that I have had to learn is to wear clothing. lol not that I didn't before. But it was shorts, tshirts and flip flops year round for me. Now it is socks, jeans and long sleeve shirts, also shoes!!!!!! Very hard to break a lifetime habit but I will survive it. 

Taking a break from marking and pinning the throw for Lauren. i really hope she likes it, the borders are bears and stars. I think the stars are going to be a variegated purple quilting thread so it shows up on the the black border. Yes I am pushing the days to xmas for it to be done.....but then when have I not pushed a deadline date. ????  Seems it is always like that for me. I guess if I know I have a date then I work under pressure for it to be done. 

Xmas presents shipped to the grandkids and hope that they like them. 
Coffee break over back to the quilt 

3 days to go

3 days to blast off. alot to do. To get ready for it. Laying here in bed up before alarm goes off Planning what has to be done yet. Clothes to pack,laundry put away,sewing area to straighten up. get things ready for the parrots to be ready for lauren. Better get my body up and moving! Later all.

TGIF yeah

 What can I say?


Not a lot that is. Other than I am so stressed out right now can not think straight. So bad that I am picking at my skin--face, neck. And having the auditory hallucinations that come with my bipolar 1 with pyschois.  I hate it when it acts up. I have issues sleeping as I can not get calm enough to rest very good. I hear music complete with words or people arguing, not voices telling me to do things to myself or anyone else. It drives me crazy.....I lose days, sometimes time also. I have issues of being able to hold on to a thought as I can not seem to be able to grab it out of all that is going on in my head. 
I forget things, hide things I think I will remember where they are. 

Because of the stress it has caused minor issues with my bipolar. At least the second half of the diagnosis is the psychosis. When I am having it whether I am manic or bipolar depression. I have auditory sounds. Anything from music to chatter. It is difficult to deal with and I get a lack of sleep because of it. My mp3 player does not have a long enough charge on it to last for hours so that I can drown them or it out. This is not something that I usually say anything about because people look at you and they see a crazy person because of it. I AM NOT CRAZY I PROMISE YOU THAT!!!!

But have to honest to myself and admit it to myself that this phase is going on….  Because there is no one else that can point it out to you.

I am so lucky with my problems with it I am not one to do the excessive spending of money like some do. That seems to have passed me over. Thank God. I hate to shop so maybe that is what helped me to not to have it. I do not write checks. I use my debit/check card and then I know what has been spent and where it goes.

Flying out Tuesday afternoon going to Florida to take care of the business of closing out the estate of my father. About time as it has now been 2 years now. So going down and doing it and placing it up for sale. One I will never go back to Florida to live nor would I like at it. Even though he was my father we did not get along very well at all. Never did. Then I have to make a trip into Jacksonville to see about placing the cemetery plot up for sale that was not used for him. as he is in the bottom of my curio cabinet. (going to cover him and all in a pretty please fabric). Thank god I am not going alone. Marty my sister in law is going with me. First time for her to fly. So I will be sure not to lose her in the airport.

My niece Lauren is coming to take care of my babies while I am gone. They love her.

I have been working on a crazy quilt lap quilt - 2 of them. Really a new item for me to do. I have never done one of them before. I think I will have fun with them as it allows you to be creative with the embellishments on it. 

I better get off here. I have things that has to be done before I can fly out. 

So will post after we get back.

Dear Blog (???? just me )

 

Our weather is really starting to get colder and looks like maybe snow coming soon. We have several overcast days. Our weather here has turned really cold and it will most likely have snow coming on soon. When that does I will not be going out on the road much. Thank goodness I really have a good bit of hand work to do. So that was good.

Not a lot going on here. Surfacing up out of the depression. I feel it easing off which is good. I will be able to handle the holidays and the depression that comes with it. So if I am not in the deep troughs of it I will be able to function.

I have been up here for a year last month. Wow  does not even seem like it. I have adjusted really well with country life. Even though it is to have 200 people here in Bone Gap. I just do not see how they get that number…..I have found that I really like living alone. At the moment I do not see me getting involved in any sort of relationship.. maybe never. Every relationship has been a form of abuse. I do not have good luck or happiness’ it seems in any of them. Poor choices is what it is.

I have to get the lap quilt for Lauren on the sewing machine by this weekend. Marty will be giving it to her for xmas. She saw it and asked if she could have for her. Told her yes it was in the ufo (unfinished objects) pile of things that have to be finished up so that I have nothing hanging over my head to finish up. It is not like I do not have the time because I do. And look to have more of it on hand when the snow hits. It has been over 30 yrs since I have driven on it. At the time I drove a monster of a tank (Chrysler Newport) and did not matter if I ditched it. Now I am driving the gas beast which is a huge dodge ram. So I know I do not want to try it.

One of the hardest things for me is that I have to actually wear shoes, jeans and sweaters or a hoodie. When I have been use to wearing flip flops, shorts and light weight sweaters. Ugh!!!!

I got the fleece to do what the kids call lovies. And it hit me really hard as it was something that Lissa always did for them. It really made me miss her more. The grief is still there and it is going to be so hard. I thought it was bad when I lost mom. But it is nothing like losing her. It is more intense as you do things and know that she did them also. No one knows what the grief is when you lose a child unless they have been there. It is hard to say and put into words for anyone to really understand. You never think you will lose a child when they are the ones that out live us.

I am so worried about my brother. He went to have more test done and the results are that he is completely blind in the left eye.

Marty and I will be flying out on Dec 4^th to Florida to take care of getting the property ready for sale. Frankly I am stressing so terribly bad. I have been picking at my face, neck and down to shoulder. This is caused from the stress that I have to deal with regardless of the reason for it I do it. Bad habit that I do not seem to control, I know I should not pick at it but I do it even when I am not even aware of doing it. I hate having to deal with our half sister one reason is I was not raised with her as she is 12 yrs older than I am. And I can swear that mom found her in the garden as she is so totally different from myself and my brother (she is his sister as they share same father).

I will be glad to be finished with the property and other things so I can cut all ties to down there. There is nothing there for me any longer.

I guess I better get off of here as I have things yet to be done.