Just another day living in my thoughts

What can I say today and the past few days (more than several in fact) been battling depression.

Deep seated severe depression, will not lie about how bad it is because if I do and believe it then I am so in deep trouble as it will spiral outside of my control. No clue what has triggered the shift into this area.

With it comes the migraines. Nightmares and lack of sleep….. I hate that. Because it does not change the sleep whether I am in the manic or severe depression lack of sleep is present in both of them.

Thought that I had come up out and surfaced from it, but I guess I was fooling myself or else I just did a plummet back down so fast that I did not catch it. I should have caught it earlier than I did and not let it get to this state…..

I know when in the grips of it that I feel so overwhelmed and drained at the same time. I don’t want to cope with the world much less my life. Living alone when I hit it sometimes it gets a real hold on me before it is detected. One of the things I get during this time is Birdie demanding being on me. Much more than usual that is. And I am the one who has to be accountable for that. No one else there to kick me out of it. My brother is a sweetheart but he has no clue how to handle it.  

I so miss Ember…..she is a really a special good friend of mine. We would talk over coffee then head out and clean house while on the phone. She knew how I was and what my illness did to my life and just everything including the abusive controlling situation that I was in.  More so than anyone else. She saw me everyday and we would chat on the phone or back and forth across the street and after everyone was in bed by the phone. She has been there with me through all of it for around 4 yrs now. I do not know what I would have done without her to share with and her to share with me to share laughter, tears, hopes and dreams.  For us not to judge either one on mistakes made or judgments passed out.  She was there when I almost died (came so close more than people realize even), there when the abuse got bad, there for me after I did what I did with trying to strangle him, going to jail, moving in with Lissa and family. Which for that I am so thankful that I did as I was able to share with my daughter before she passed away.  There after she passed away.  She has been there through all of it, I love her as a sister because we grew close and still am. Even though the miles separate us. We still chat. Maybe not everyday but still a lot.

I just hope that at some point I will find someone here who becomes as special a friend that Ember is. Not to replace her as no one can ever replace her or our special friendship. The last friend I had like this passed away in May 2000. We had been friends for 20 yrs. I felt the void so deeply until I met Ember. I can see many years ahead of us as friends.

I find it hard to connect with people, much less let them into my life. Therefore I make few friendships and cherish the ones I do have. Life can be a cold lonely place even if you are in a relationship or not. No one can control how lonely a person can be or not. There are no set rules that define this as it applies to so many aspects of life. Some people are fortunate that they never have this period in life.

I guess this is where I should end this and shuffle off to lay with birdie and sacha on the sofa. With mister tigger up on the back of it.