Last evening

I will be so glad when we have no more blackberries to PICK!!!! They tear up your hands really bad with the thorns. Marty and I picked for almost 3 hours yesterday evening. And still not done. We will finish them off and pick the green beans tonite. Love the garden but oh how much WORK it is.....


Sitting here trying to get a grip on myself for the day.....having a really hard time of it this morning feels like I am in some type of fog that is not lifting up. I hate days like this. I do get them when in the manic phase but not often. I sometimes wonder whether it is after effect of the meds working when I hit that stage. I can not and do not wish to cope without my medications as I know what would happen, I would be so screwed is what  I  would be. I have a hard enough time sometimes even with the meds. The fact that  I live alone is a blessing, I can handle my issues without someone always pushing and up in my face trying to make me lose control of myself. Because honestly if you are in a relationship that has long past losing the meaning of what it is suppose to be it puts you in another place in your life. I have done that and have the shirt to prove it or so the saying goes. It is not very easy to exist in a relationship where the other person hates the fact that you have a mental illness and thinks that they can mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically abuse you with their behavior. It actually causes you to hate that person strongly. And let me tell you folks you REALLY do not ever want to be in this position. It is not a bit fun and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. 


You know Sacha defines being a African Grey Congo. They are said to be stand  offish and not a bit of a cuddle bug. But he is, he loves to snuggle and just be with me no matter what I am doing. Course sometimes his helping is not very good. especially when trying to work a jig saw puzzle. Yesterday he decided he did not like a piece he could get hold of and now I have to glue the tip back on it. You should have seen me getting it away from him.....lol was a massive feat as he did not want to let go of his prize.  


Here is a photo of him sitting on the edge of the computer desk like a little man.....so cute. yep he is plucked but I love him none the less as he has my heart and to me he is still a beautiful baby. You will see his leg that had surgery on it. and see where he has been actively plucking instead of picking at his leg. 

I discussed with the vet the option of putting a spherical collar on him for the plucking. She told me that if I did that he would have to wear it the rest of his life. As he is not mutilating himself with it I don't think it would be a good idea as it could never be taken off as he would just go back to it. You would not believe the amount of laundry that I am having with just keeping him clean. 


Some days are just meant to be a do nothing day to survive, today is one of them but yet it will sadly not be so. Even though I feel it the mania high will not allow it as you dealing with racing thoughts, high energy and the feeling that you can take on the world and win. Little sleep as when you try to sleep your mind does not go into the state it needs to in order for you to recover from normal situations. With the mania with me I can not sleep with the thoughts running through my head like a movie theater screen. 


Now do not get me wrong. Your bipolar mania and depression is not like anyone else's as you are not the same person. Therefore you experience in your own way.... no two people are alike, no two people think alike. Therefore your bipolar is unique to you and your body.  


Sometimes I sit and try to remember the past and what I went through in it. And I am amazed at the time that I can not account for in it. I hate the feeling of losing track of days, and on the off chance there has been times I lose almost a whole week. Sometimes people will tell you something during this time and expect you to remember it. And of course you don't and then you get the deer in the headlight look to you that they do not want to see as they realize you have no clue what they are talking about. It really defines the saying that you remember....but then when you can't is when you get in a bind. 


All I can say to anyone who is bipolar or deals with any type of mental illness is this. Keep a journal, whether a blog like this or one you write in. I do both. And don't forget that you need to put affirmations in it. ie....

I am blessed~~

because I have family that loves me.

because I am able to be on my own.

because I have my parrots.

Life itself. 

These are just some things that you may or may not realize in everyday life because sometimes you take them for granted and you really need to stop and look at your life and see what you are great full for and what you are blessed with. Try it and you will find out that you will look at life a little bit differently in the future. 

You will find that it is so helpful on days that you can not remember that if you wrote it down you can look back on it and see what was really going on that day. You may also be able to track your stresser that causes the trigger for your episodes. For me most of mine where (thank God no more) related to a bad relationship.  So thankful that it is not so now. So now I have to track with my journal with my feelings and thoughts what caused it. This is so important to me to be able to have these tools to do so. 

I guess I have rambled on enough and I really hate the thought of moving Sacha  where he is snuggled up and cat napping on my wrist while I am typing this. It is his morning snuggle time with mommy and with him having a bad time of it right now he is getting a bit more of it as I don't know what else to do. 

Here he is doing just that 

Isn't he cute snuggling? People who are not bird people can not understand the immense love some one who is has for them. I have 5 of them. 4 of them are mine and I inherited my daughter's goffin parrot.  So here are pics of them as you do not see me talking about them much but when I do you can have an idea who I am talking about. 

this is Birdie, my 19 yr old Goffin Cockatoo 

This is Meeka, my severe macaw after a box of Kleenex on my desk...Which she proceeds to destroy.

This is Monkey my orange wing amazon, he is an old man the vet places him somewhere in late 20's possibly even 30. Which ever he is he is a complex little guy with his talking. If you listen to him you can understand him. He has what they call an amazon gravely talking voice. So you really have to listen carefully with him. 

Monkey and Meeka came to me from a really good friend who needed to rehome them. And I was more than happy to have them. Circumstances being that with the break up of my marriage and the fact that I was not there to prevent it, my soon to be ex got rid of all my parrots. I was only able to recover Birdie and Sacha from them. 

Here is pic of Daisy Mae (Lissa's Goffin Cockatoo)  

I guess I have spent enough time on here and I have stuff that is waiting on me to do.....work is never done!!!!