What a day!

Well let’s see. This morning I let Tigger in the house after he ate his breakfast. The first thing he did was try to attack Sacha in his bin that he still has to be in. Oh NO~~~~ that is not happening.

I should have thought that as he is killing field mice and bringing them to the porch. He has already learned to be a hunter. So he will never be a inside cat unless I can break that in him. Sacha will not be going back to a cage. He will sleep in the bin at night and out of it all day. As right now I am unsure he will go back to a cage ever…..with time we will see. Right now he refuses to put weight on his leg. And when I check his little foot he is not gripping with it. He may or may not regain the use of it.  

Right now I have covered the sofa and made him a play area on it, so he is not in the floor on a towel. Right now he is asking for more snuggle time with me and I stop what I am doing to give it to him. I do not want him to get more stressed than he already is with all of this. Right now he is doing the normal plucking that he does but the dr told me it could increase to watch for it.

I asked about putting a spherical collar on him but was told when it came off he would just go back to plucking.  That if it went on it would be on for life. That is not something that is an option.

Get what I have to done today. I have some quilting fabric that needs to be ironed and stacked as it got washed. Just normal housework with the cages threw in is all I have to do. Lol not much of it as living alone the only mess I have to keep up with is mine makes it so much easier.

I am ready to muzzle Birdie, he is having issues of Sacha being out here and thinking he is getting cheated. I guess he is as Sacha was his cage mate and he can not see what is going on with him. The critter bit me last night….. but again if you have parrots you have to expect to be bitten.

Some days I would just like to hide in a hole and not cope with anything life has to deal you. I do get these days and it is very hard for me to cope with just everyday things…..this makes me thankful that I live alone. That way there is no one I have to take care of their needs. It is just me and the parrots and they could care less if I am having a bad day.

Last night I had dinner at my brother’s. And in the process of helping Marty get dinner I sighed….. I seem to do quite a bit of it when in this phase of the bipolar. I can not say what causes me to do it, I just do.

It is so hard to explain what is going on it just is. Why that is I do not know how to put it into words. You just cope with it the best you can and hope that it is the right thing at that moment. Bipolar is very difficult to live with, that is no lie. To the degree I have it magnifies every thing when it is out of control to the most extreme that can be. Either with the manic or the depression. If you just get depressed and it is managed with medication then you are so lucky. When I get it, sometimes I get in a really bad place. And when I get that bad I have to be really careful that it does not spiral down to the suicide part of it. Sometimes that is very difficult to handle. I really wish I had the lesser of the bipolar disorder. But no I had to get the worse one.

I really am so sorry that I passed on mental issues to my children. But when I had them I had not been diagnosed with it. Or I would not have had them knowing I could pass it on. It was determined that all the years they treated me for just depression and the medications did not work. I was bipolar and if caught way back when I would have been able to cope  and be able to continue to work. I finally got a dr who really listened to what I was saying. Do you know that electric shock therapy was used in the 60’s to treat people who had bipolar. And I could swear that mom had it and never was treated for it. Looking back knowing what I do it seems likely. My half brother from my father he is also bipolar. And was diagnosed later in life also.  As it is hereditary it is passed down to the next generation. I have passed mental illness down to each of my children in varying forms and it weighs heavy with me. I love my children very much and they have a long hard road ahead of them because of this.

It is not very nice to be failed to work by social security as you could endanger others you work with. Also the fact that I had worked at everything that I possibly could to keep from having to file for it. It had gotten so bad prior to me filing that I could not hold a job.

And now I lose days at a time, be talking and just draw a blank about what I was saying. Do you know how stupid it makes you seem? I have to make notes to myself about all sort of things. If I fail to do so and I have stuff to pick up at the store I just stand there and have no flipping clue why I am there.   

I guess I better end this. Sorry to ramble on so long.

Have a great day all!