Second Posting of a draft that was not posted.

I thought I had the mess with the asshole of a husband cleaned up to find out he is still out there hanging over my head. Will I ever get through the mess I was in? sometimes I wonder…..I will  divorce him as soon as I have been in the state long enough to do so. Of course on his facebook page it list him as a carpenter by trade (yea when he can hold a job) divorced and looking for a new lady. OMG I pity any woman who get tangled up with him. He is a lazy boozing smoker who is controlling and mentally abusive. Ie him telling me I was not his wife and a burden and if I did not work he did not see a reason for him to do. The only difference was that I was still getting my disability check. So I was not a burden. Controlling to the point he would not let me go anywhere without him, if I did he would track me by asking where I was at etc. he did most of the storing as I was not able to go with him. He cut me off from my family and friends. I had only one that he could not close off. He resented the fact that my daughter was in my life. And I fought him every step of the way on that issue. He claimed she alienate my affection and was taking it from him. OMG what does he think a mother should do act like they have no children? he did not realize that he did not have it and had not for a very long time and that was because of the way he treated me. Which I will not go into as it is something that does not need to be shared. Family know and that is where I want it to say. He would make me miss my psych appts because he was afraid of what I would say and as he was not allowed back there. He would only let me go when I needed medication refills.

On the night in Feb. when he cause me to go into a rage because of his treatment that day and I kept telling him to stop it and step back and leave me alone. I was swinging from mania to depression. Instead he kept getting in my face and being verbally abusive. I went to the carport to tell him dinner was ready. Then he started that I was never to see my daughter or grandchildren as it took love away from him? Get real here. Anyway that was just the frosting on the cake. He provoked me with being cruel and uncaring of what that would possibly do to me.

I am not proud of this fact but I learned a valuable lesson from this. I literally saw a red rage take over that I could not stop. I slammed him against the carport wall by his throat. When I saw what I had done I let go and step back. When in this state it is very hard to deal with when being done the way he was doing. He knew what he was doing. I picked up my drink went back to the kitchen was is in there for almost 10 minutes. The minute he saw the door open up he fell out of his chair carrying on he could not breath. What he did not know is I saw him through the glass window in the door. so I called paramedics knowing  I would be arrested on domestic violence charges. Again if you are reading this most everyone close to me know about this happening and everything that led to it happening and the aftermath of it.