Beginning of July and ramblings from a virtual bipolar hell

Well the hot weather just keeps on ticking and not giving up. I am not use to having this type of heat. Yea being from florida you would think I did but I do not remember it ever being up like it is here and no break in it. 

Yesterday was my daughter Melissa's birthday she would have been 33 yrs old....I so miss her. No words can tell anyone how much I do. and how bad it hurts to not have her here with me every day for the rest of my life. I only have her in my heart and my love for her. 


Yesterday was a very bad day for me but my heart and thoughts go out to my son in law Stan as he has to face it and her date of death alone with 5 kids depending on him holding it together. I will be thinking of him today and the rest of this month. 

I am very concerned about Sacha's leg and foot. I have the feeling he is going to be handicaped for the rest of his life. I may be wrong but I don't think that I am. either way I will always love him. I just have to make other arrangements for him as he can not go to a cage as he could hurt himself worse. right now he is sleeping in a bin and out all day either on the sofa or the recliner or a play area on the floor. I have a ton of washing as I have to keep the areas he is clean.. and padded on the furniture. This makes me stop and reconsider making Tigger a inside cat. Sacha would not be able to defend himself if he was attacked. So I will not risk the issue as Sacha has no other option but be out where I can watch him. He is sort of clingy and that is to be expected. He wants to be snuggled. We have been taking naps together during the day. he cuddles up and we nap.....

He has no patience with any of the other parrots getting close to him. So I try to keep them away from him although Birdie tries so hard to get close to him to make sure he is alright. and the way sacha acts when birdie is near is making me wonder if it was just not more than him letting go and falling. that birdie may have been involved with it. 

right now the temp is hitting 102 and humidity is hitting  37% which is low for the temp today usually it is much higher. 

I most likely should not have but last nite sacha was acting like he was not feeling good and he was burning up I did not want to put him in a covered bin with him already hot. so I made him a nest on the othe side of my bed for him. he came over as close as he could to lay his little head up on me and went to sleep. As I have a full size bed  only use half of it. It may just become his nite time bed. As I sleep alone it won't matter if he sleeps there or not. 

It was suggested to me by a vet tech to speak to my doctor about the possiblity of using small dose of valium with him as it helps stop them from feather plucking. I will google it and print it out and take with me to the vet office later this coming week. 

Have felt like you just wanted the earth to open up and swallow you? I am in that stage of the bipolar hell right now. It is a very difficult place to be when it hits. you just want to become invisible and not interact with life itself. I guess that is the best way to describe it for those who have absolutely no clue what it is like to live with a severe case of it. 

Sometimes thing trigger it and other time nothing does and it just appears out of nowhere and as the medication helps to control it so that it does not get out of hand it does not stop the feelings or emotions you have during it. 

Part of it is losing my daughter this month has been a year since it happened. The other is when you trust someone with a really private secert that you have. Now I do not trust many people with any of my secrets because it is noone's business but mine. Plus I do not want to be judged for it. People say "oh it don't matter and it won't change anything" you believe them and you certainly want to believe it. But I have always been a firm believer that actions speak more than words . Sometimes it is very hurtful that a person treats you this way after finding out something they had no clue about. 

I am past all the being judged thing~~~ if people do not like and love me as I am without shunning me then that is how I am moving forward. You sometimes have to put the negativity out of your life and concentrate on all of positive things going forth. Sometimes that is all you can do. I have family here that loves me and makes me part of stuff so I do not feel alone. I have good friend that we talk all the time on the phone. I know at any time that I can pick up the phone and call her that she is there to talk with me. She is one of the secret keeper and the other that I share everything with we have been friends and pen pals going on close to 40 yrs.give or take a yr or two. We met through a program at school and she has been through all my good times and bad times and so have I for her. There is nothing in my life that she does not know about. And the same with me we are just 3 months apart in age....I feel so blessed with having her in my life and having her friendship  for so many years. In 2001 I lost a best friend that I was close to and we had the same type of friendship. We were best friends for over 20 yrs. She had liver cancer. It created a hole in my life that will never be healed. She was there through thick and thin with me. As I was for her. It took me a long time to come to terms of losing her. 

With all this with Sacha surgery and vet bill my brother stepped up and helped me if he had not done so Sacha would not be here because that was the other option I was given. He is my sweet baby as he is only 8yrs and 4 months old. I love him regardless of his plucking issues. That started when I was under extreme stress it flowed over to him and for that I am so very sorry it did. 

Sorry for all the rambling but I am having hard time concentrating as I have all this stuff running through my head like a whirlwind going around. Racing thoughts The lack of sleep as you can not lay down and go to sleep with it because it just keeps going like the pink enegizer bunny. When I do get to sleep with it the sleep is not true sleep it is like you are in an area between being awake and sleep. It is hard to reach out and grab a thought and think about just that one without the others over shadowing it. 

Well I will go deal with my day and see what I can manage to concentrate enough to get it done.